The Conflicted Soul: A Fire-Breathing Dragon

My internal dragon is a cute little thing! On an average day, we skip along humming a fun little ditty that comes from within. We make pleasantries to as many people as we can, and try to make strangers feel seen, heard, and loved.

Awe! The butterflies dance, the birds sing, the earth is beautiful with its wondrous coloring! The sun is shining, and everything is well! Pure bliss! 

Then out of the blue, some little troll of a situation arises to f* everything up! Son of a biotch!

STAGES OF TURNING INTO A FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON

1. Pain in my energetic heart space.

      *Feelings of anger, sadness, disappointment

      *Feelings and thoughts: loss of self-worth (Did I have any to begin with?)

2. Find someone to talk to about the situation. (Honestly, I’m really looking for a perception that aligns with mine. I want someone on MY side!)

3. Open the box of crappy emotions that have not been dealt with yet from past conflicting experiences. (Open that puppy up and allow old hurts to surface!)

4. Open the book that has recorded every minuscule thing the current offending person has done to upset me over time. (Ah, yes! More old hurts coming to the party!)

5. Turn to another chapter in the book and think about everything ANY person has ever done to me. (Take all that ammunition and shake the hell out of that bottle!)

6. Add fuel to the fire by thinking about everything that has gone wrong that day … that week … that month … that year … or even my entire life. (Volcanic lava build-up!)

7. When really upset, listening to songs ABOUT being hurt and angry. (Dump that on like extra kerosene, baby!)

My pattern with conflict tends to have advancing stages. Whether I make it through all the stages will really depend on what type of conflict it is, and who it is with. Adding fuel to the fire that is already burning makes for quite the volcanic eruption when the pressure has built up enough to finally burst. That’s when people close to me get hit with fiery sparks over the stupidest of things!

Growing up in a family where there was a lot of discomfort, dysfunction, pain and yelling … there weren’t many things we COULD do to cope. We could fight with our siblings, but that didn’t last long. So, the safest thing to do was to retreat to your own headspace.

That headspace is a curious place! The highways of thought were paved years ago. Traveling down familiar roads on autopilot doesn't take any extra effort. Perhaps that is why it is so darn hard to take a detour. 

But eventually, the release comes. The watery tears dampen down the flames. This emotional release is often welcomed. -- When I am unable to cry, that is when I know my energy is stuck. It is extremely uncomfortable and sometimes painful. Yet, I know that things will be better on the other side of the stream. 

Do I hope to change the pattern in the future? Yes, most definitely! Mama Bear and the dragon are working on it. Until then, we will continue to hum our ditty and do the best we can.

*Voice Pen Purpose Blog Challenge: Day 4